Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
