Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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