When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
