Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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