just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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