highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
