Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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