First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
