just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
