So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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