i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
