i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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