i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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