I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
