I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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