i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
