Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize