the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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