Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
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