I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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