I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
