I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
