I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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