Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
