I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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