last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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