I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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