Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
