A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
