I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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