Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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