He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
