I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
