this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
