I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
