i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
