There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
