My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Will you blow on my dice?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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