The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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