the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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