I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
