We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
