Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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