If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
