And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize