dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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