honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
