Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
