Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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