i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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