Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Blood and glitter go together right?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
