I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
