Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
