I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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