well I can't set my house on fire every night
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
