i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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