tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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