I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
