Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
