did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
