Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
