guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
