Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
