I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
