so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
