The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
