I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
