drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
