cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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