so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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