I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
