did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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