Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
